i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
