Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
