Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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