I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
