Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
