I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
