He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
