If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
