and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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