If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
