the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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