how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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