My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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