Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
