shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
