He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
its liver damage thursday
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
