in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
