i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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