mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
