I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
