i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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