Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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