I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
