I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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