i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
