My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
