Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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