Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
