mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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