well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
