OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
