Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
its liver damage thursday
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
