R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
