My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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