What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
