Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
