end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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