You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
