would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
