totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
