Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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