Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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