the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
