You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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