Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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