he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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