I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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