i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
