Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
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