Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
this boner is exhausting
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
