I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
