I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
