Yo dont text me then not text me
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
